On a tangent to Re: key stage two question on tv last night

"David Walker" wrote ...
> Ermmmm.... doesn't translate into English well either :o\

I figured it had something to do with stereotypes of the varioius political
parties in the UK, but not being familiar with them, the humor left scorch
marks as it went over my head... Each culture has their own flavor of
humor... Jokes that work in one location just get strange looks when told in
other places... I'm from Texas... Some of our jokes might not work so well
if told over there... Different cultural experiences and such...

Example #1:
A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife
has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations
of "Wow!"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you
're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, "Why? What happened? He already
weighed 25 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on
his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him
circumcised."

Example #2:
The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas:
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a truck
because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on
your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you.
They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go
east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have
quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to
understand the concept.
6. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we
saw "Bambi," too. We got over it.
7.. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will
shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear
at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads.. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you
jack-slapped, by our women.
11. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age.
12. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham
and turkey.
13. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables,
and breads. We use three spices-salt, pepper, and Tabasco sauce.
14. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice,
and plenty of it! You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs,a
tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant. You bring
"Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a
truck, and have long hair.
15. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar,
some lemon, and a long spoon.
16. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks,
and a dang site more fun to watch.
17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards- it spooks
the fish.
18. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education and a
love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they
come home for the holidays.
19. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state,
so,"Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the
best!
20. Our military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and
child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter
Education Course.
21. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it
without the United States, but the United States can't make it without
Texas.
22. Never ask a man where he is from. If he's from Texas he'll tell you. If
he's not... why embarrass him!

And Example #3:
Three guys in a bar: an Aggie, a Californian, and an Austinite.

They drink, they get crazy. Suddenly, the Aggie grabs a bottle of Tequila,
unscrews the top, takes a good swig, and throws the bottle into the air. He
quickly pulls out a .45 pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying Tequila all
over everything.

The patrons at the bar shout, Hey, why'd you waste that?

The Aggie says, Heck, it's just Tequila. Where I come from, we got lotsa
Tequila.

Not to be outdone, the Californian whips out a corkscrew and uncorks a
bottle of wine. He pours a little bit into a glass, swirls the glass,
sniffs, and sips the wine, then tosses the bottle in the air and shoots it
with a little silver pistol, sending a shower of wine over the entire room.

Their fellow patrons look at the waste and again express their displeasure
and astonishment. But the Californian replies, I'm from Napa. We have plenty
of wine.

The Austinite touches his crystal then borrows a bottle opener from the
bartender. He pops the top off a bottle of Celis beer and downs it. He
throws the empty bottle into the air. With careful aim, he shoots the
Californian and the Aggie, then catches the falling bottle.

The patrons scream, Why'd you do that???

The Austinite replies, I'm from Austin, we've got more than enough Aggies
and even more Californians, but glass bottles--those can be recycled!!

"Keith Manning" <Nospam@tesco.net> wrote in message
news:bYzKd.1672$IJ5.1321@newsfe3-win.ntli.net...
>
> "Clive Dive" <penos1@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> news:4aefe30c9f7eda94b6808983be1d8a0a.115311@mygat e.mailgate.org...
>> "OK then, consider this
>>
>> A delivery van is ferrying a consignment of live free flying budgies,
>> all sitting on perches in the sealed but aeratd rear of the van. Is the
>> van lighter if all the budgies are in flight? if so then surely the mpg
>> will increase? as the van is now lighter, or is it? or do we care? It
>> maybe a thought for all those involved in the pigeon transport world.
>> Discuss...10 pts
>>
>
> Here's a thought. The van backfires and they all take off at exactly the
> same moment making the van over 100kgs lighter. It speeds up as a result
> of the sudden unloading and they all get killed stone dead when they get
> hit by the accelerating towards them back door. Thus dropping back to the
> floor which causes the van to slow down again due to the added dead
> weight.

Not so. The sudden impact with the rear of the van would stop it abruptly,
throwing the driver and any passengers through the windscreen.

Lee

"Keith Manning" <Nospam@tesco.net> wrote in message
news:bYzKd.1672$IJ5.1321@newsfe3-win.ntli.net...
>
> "Clive Dive" <penos1@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> news:4aefe30c9f7eda94b6808983be1d8a0a.115311@mygat e.mailgate.org...
>> "OK then, consider this
>>
>> A delivery van is ferrying a consignment of live free flying budgies,
>> all sitting on perches in the sealed but aeratd rear of the van. Is the
>> van lighter if all the budgies are in flight? if so then surely the mpg
>> will increase? as the van is now lighter, or is it? or do we care? It
>> maybe a thought for all those involved in the pigeon transport world.
>> Discuss...10 pts
>>
>
> Here's a thought. The van backfires and they all take off at exactly the
> same moment making the van over 100kgs lighter. It speeds up as a result
> of the sudden unloading and they all get killed stone dead when they get
> hit by the accelerating towards them back door. Thus dropping back to the
> floor which causes the van to slow down again due to the added dead
> weight.

Not so. The sudden impact with the rear of the van would stop it abruptly,
throwing the driver and any passengers through the windscreen.

Lee

"Keith Manning" <Nospam@tesco.net> wrote in message
news:bYzKd.1672$IJ5.1321@newsfe3-win.ntli.net...
>
> "Clive Dive" <penos1@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> news:4aefe30c9f7eda94b6808983be1d8a0a.115311@mygat e.mailgate.org...
>> "OK then, consider this
>>
>> A delivery van is ferrying a consignment of live free flying budgies,
>> all sitting on perches in the sealed but aeratd rear of the van. Is the
>> van lighter if all the budgies are in flight? if so then surely the mpg
>> will increase? as the van is now lighter, or is it? or do we care? It
>> maybe a thought for all those involved in the pigeon transport world.
>> Discuss...10 pts
>>
>
> Here's a thought. The van backfires and they all take off at exactly the
> same moment making the van over 100kgs lighter. It speeds up as a result
> of the sudden unloading and they all get killed stone dead when they get
> hit by the accelerating towards them back door. Thus dropping back to the
> floor which causes the van to slow down again due to the added dead
> weight.

Not so. The sudden impact with the rear of the van would stop it abruptly,
throwing the driver and any passengers through the windscreen.

Lee

"Keith Manning" <Nospam@tesco.net> wrote in message
news:bYzKd.1672$IJ5.1321@newsfe3-win.ntli.net...
>
> "Clive Dive" <penos1@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> news:4aefe30c9f7eda94b6808983be1d8a0a.115311@mygat e.mailgate.org...
>> "OK then, consider this
>>
>> A delivery van is ferrying a consignment of live free flying budgies,
>> all sitting on perches in the sealed but aeratd rear of the van. Is the
>> van lighter if all the budgies are in flight? if so then surely the mpg
>> will increase? as the van is now lighter, or is it? or do we care? It
>> maybe a thought for all those involved in the pigeon transport world.
>> Discuss...10 pts
>>
>
> Here's a thought. The van backfires and they all take off at exactly the
> same moment making the van over 100kgs lighter. It speeds up as a result
> of the sudden unloading and they all get killed stone dead when they get
> hit by the accelerating towards them back door. Thus dropping back to the
> floor which causes the van to slow down again due to the added dead
> weight.

Not so. The sudden impact with the rear of the van would stop it abruptly,
throwing the driver and any passengers through the windscreen.

Lee

"Keith Manning" <Nospam@tesco.net> wrote in message
news:bYzKd.1672$IJ5.1321@newsfe3-win.ntli.net...
>
> "Clive Dive" <penos1@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> news:4aefe30c9f7eda94b6808983be1d8a0a.115311@mygat e.mailgate.org...
>> "OK then, consider this
>>
>> A delivery van is ferrying a consignment of live free flying budgies,
>> all sitting on perches in the sealed but aeratd rear of the van. Is the
>> van lighter if all the budgies are in flight? if so then surely the mpg
>> will increase? as the van is now lighter, or is it? or do we care? It
>> maybe a thought for all those involved in the pigeon transport world.
>> Discuss...10 pts
>>
>
> Here's a thought. The van backfires and they all take off at exactly the
> same moment making the van over 100kgs lighter. It speeds up as a result
> of the sudden unloading and they all get killed stone dead when they get
> hit by the accelerating towards them back door. Thus dropping back to the
> floor which causes the van to slow down again due to the added dead
> weight.

Not so. The sudden impact with the rear of the van would stop it abruptly,
throwing the driver and any passengers through the windscreen.

Lee

"Lee Bell" <leebell@ix.remove.netcom.com> wrote in message news:NxfLd.4841$Ix.4817@newsread3.news.atl.earthli nk.net...
> "Keith Manning" <Nospam@tesco.net> wrote in message
> news:bYzKd.1672$IJ5.1321@newsfe3-win.ntli.net...
> >
> > "Clive Dive" <penos1@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> > news:4aefe30c9f7eda94b6808983be1d8a0a.115311@mygat e.mailgate.org...
> >> "OK then, consider this
> >>
> >> A delivery van is ferrying a consignment of live free flying budgies,
> >> all sitting on perches in the sealed but aeratd rear of the van. Is the
> >> van lighter if all the budgies are in flight? if so then surely the mpg
> >> will increase? as the van is now lighter, or is it? or do we care? It
> >> maybe a thought for all those involved in the pigeon transport world.
> >> Discuss...10 pts
> >>
> >
> > Here's a thought. The van backfires and they all take off at exactly the
> > same moment making the van over 100kgs lighter. It speeds up as a result
> > of the sudden unloading and they all get killed stone dead when they get
> > hit by the accelerating towards them back door. Thus dropping back to the
> > floor which causes the van to slow down again due to the added dead
> > weight.
>
> Not so. The sudden impact with the rear of the van would stop it abruptly,
> throwing the driver and any passengers through the windscreen.
>
> Lee

No, no , no!
100kg of budgies hitting the back of the van would blow the doors off, killing the people in the car behind. Instant trifle.
al
>
>

"Lee Bell" <leebell@ix.remove.netcom.com> wrote in message news:NxfLd.4841$Ix.4817@newsread3.news.atl.earthli nk.net...
> "Keith Manning" <Nospam@tesco.net> wrote in message
> news:bYzKd.1672$IJ5.1321@newsfe3-win.ntli.net...
> >
> > "Clive Dive" <penos1@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> > news:4aefe30c9f7eda94b6808983be1d8a0a.115311@mygat e.mailgate.org...
> >> "OK then, consider this
> >>
> >> A delivery van is ferrying a consignment of live free flying budgies,
> >> all sitting on perches in the sealed but aeratd rear of the van. Is the
> >> van lighter if all the budgies are in flight? if so then surely the mpg
> >> will increase? as the van is now lighter, or is it? or do we care? It
> >> maybe a thought for all those involved in the pigeon transport world.
> >> Discuss...10 pts
> >>
> >
> > Here's a thought. The van backfires and they all take off at exactly the
> > same moment making the van over 100kgs lighter. It speeds up as a result
> > of the sudden unloading and they all get killed stone dead when they get
> > hit by the accelerating towards them back door. Thus dropping back to the
> > floor which causes the van to slow down again due to the added dead
> > weight.
>
> Not so. The sudden impact with the rear of the van would stop it abruptly,
> throwing the driver and any passengers through the windscreen.
>
> Lee

No, no , no!
100kg of budgies hitting the back of the van would blow the doors off, killing the people in the car behind. Instant trifle.
al
>
>

"Lee Bell" <leebell@ix.remove.netcom.com> wrote in message news:NxfLd.4841$Ix.4817@newsread3.news.atl.earthli nk.net...
> "Keith Manning" <Nospam@tesco.net> wrote in message
> news:bYzKd.1672$IJ5.1321@newsfe3-win.ntli.net...
> >
> > "Clive Dive" <penos1@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> > news:4aefe30c9f7eda94b6808983be1d8a0a.115311@mygat e.mailgate.org...
> >> "OK then, consider this
> >>
> >> A delivery van is ferrying a consignment of live free flying budgies,
> >> all sitting on perches in the sealed but aeratd rear of the van. Is the
> >> van lighter if all the budgies are in flight? if so then surely the mpg
> >> will increase? as the van is now lighter, or is it? or do we care? It
> >> maybe a thought for all those involved in the pigeon transport world.
> >> Discuss...10 pts
> >>
> >
> > Here's a thought. The van backfires and they all take off at exactly the
> > same moment making the van over 100kgs lighter. It speeds up as a result
> > of the sudden unloading and they all get killed stone dead when they get
> > hit by the accelerating towards them back door. Thus dropping back to the
> > floor which causes the van to slow down again due to the added dead
> > weight.
>
> Not so. The sudden impact with the rear of the van would stop it abruptly,
> throwing the driver and any passengers through the windscreen.
>
> Lee

No, no , no!
100kg of budgies hitting the back of the van would blow the doors off, killing the people in the car behind. Instant trifle.
al
>
>

"Lee Bell" <leebell@ix.remove.netcom.com> wrote in message news:NxfLd.4841$Ix.4817@newsread3.news.atl.earthli nk.net...
> "Keith Manning" <Nospam@tesco.net> wrote in message
> news:bYzKd.1672$IJ5.1321@newsfe3-win.ntli.net...
> >
> > "Clive Dive" <penos1@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> > news:4aefe30c9f7eda94b6808983be1d8a0a.115311@mygat e.mailgate.org...
> >> "OK then, consider this
> >>
> >> A delivery van is ferrying a consignment of live free flying budgies,
> >> all sitting on perches in the sealed but aeratd rear of the van. Is the
> >> van lighter if all the budgies are in flight? if so then surely the mpg
> >> will increase? as the van is now lighter, or is it? or do we care? It
> >> maybe a thought for all those involved in the pigeon transport world.
> >> Discuss...10 pts
> >>
> >
> > Here's a thought. The van backfires and they all take off at exactly the
> > same moment making the van over 100kgs lighter. It speeds up as a result
> > of the sudden unloading and they all get killed stone dead when they get
> > hit by the accelerating towards them back door. Thus dropping back to the
> > floor which causes the van to slow down again due to the added dead
> > weight.
>
> Not so. The sudden impact with the rear of the van would stop it abruptly,
> throwing the driver and any passengers through the windscreen.
>
> Lee

No, no , no!
100kg of budgies hitting the back of the van would blow the doors off, killing the people in the car behind. Instant trifle.
al
>
>