Living will

Draft of a Living Will

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on
it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a
cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special
law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads
mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health,
education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent
coma.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case I don't
care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run
for the presidency in 2008. It is my wish that they play politics with
someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to
legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these
people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my
behalf. They should mind their own damn business.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a
political cause, they shall be immediately disinherited, and I hereby
promise to come back from the grave and make his or her life and existence a
living hell.

Signed by me, This ______ Day of _______, 200_.